I've always wanted to be a mum. Infact, it's all i've ever wanted and i assumed that when the time was right it i would be able to choose to have a baby - but it didn't happen like that for us.

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After trying to conceive for over a year i found out i was pregnant - i was absolutely over the moon. We told everyone and started to gather little bits for the baby, plan the nursery and choose names.

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Just before my 12 week scan i noticed a few tiny spots of bloods in my underwear as i was going to bed  - google became my best friend and i drove myself mad all night reading every possible scenario. I convinced myself this was normal (which it often is) and tried to ignore the niggle in the back of my mind . By morning the bleeding was pretty much the same - but i decided to ring my local midwifery team for advice. They put my mind at rest and reassured me it was probably nothing to worry about and was very common. I felt a huge sense of relief - of course everything was going to be ok, this wouldn't happen to me, surely? 

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The bleeding became heavier and i rang the midwives back - they agreed that i could come in for a scan. I was still absolutely convinced that everything would be ok. It had to be.

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As i lay on the couch looking up at the sonographer silently looking the screen i knew something was wrong. She told me i would need an internal scan (i had no idea what this was and was given no information about it)  With two sonographers staring at the screen and nodding to each other i began to feel sick. 

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I will always remember how 'matter of fact' the sonographer was when she told me "there's no heartbeat sorry, here's a letter to give to the midwife , sit in the waiting room and she'll call you"

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I sat numbly watching as every other couple came out of their scan beaming from ear to ear, holding a photo of their baby. 

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I was called to a ward full of new mums and their babies. I listened to their cries knowing i would never hear my baby cry or have the chance to comfort them. I felt like i was in a dream , like it wasn't real.

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The midwife asked me if i would like to book a procedure 'to remove the tissue' ...this wasn't tissue, it was my baby, my baby who already had a name and baby vests hanging in the wardrobe . I said that i would rather let nature take its course and went home. I had no idea what would happen.

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I won't go into detail here about the birth of my first baby - almost 20 years on it's still too raw and traumatic. Only in the last year have i been able to start to process everything. I will share my five birth stories when the time feels truly right, if it ever does.

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We had five long years of trying to conceive - of  working out the dates every month, of feeling completely deflated and angry with my body that it couldn't do the thing that it was built to do. It wasn't fair, we would be good parents, our baby would be so loved - why can so many other people just have baby after baby ...my mental health was suffering, my relationship was suffering.

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When i found out i was pregnant again i felt an understandable mixture of fear and excitement. This was it, i could feel it.

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At around 8 weeks into my pregnancy i was at a friends baby shower and popped to the bathroom. There is was, it was happening again, blood on the tissue. I felt dizzy. What had i done to deserve this?

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I went straight to hospital and asked for a scan - they refused and sent me home, telling me to come back after the weekend.

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I spent another weekend googling and torturing myself - looking at statistics, looking into the research - i had to find some way to feel in control of the uncontrollable

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As i lay on the sonographers couch they called for a second opinion. I knew at that point my baby was gone. I went through another internal scan - this time they couldn't tell me for definite if there was a heartbeat, it was too early - i had to wait for a week and go back. 

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I knew in my heart what was happening and sure enough over the next few days i gave birth to my second baby.

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My third loss came after two successful  (but traumatic) pregnancies - my beautiful, longed for daughters , who i will forever be grateful for.

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This time i had no doubt that my baby would be born healthy - my body could do this , it had done it twice now- it knows what to do.

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We told our friends and family and our girls - they were over the moon. 

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I felt sick and unwell - but took this as a good sign , i had awful morning sickness with both of the girls.

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I was excited on the morning of my scan, i couldn't wait to show the girls the photo. As i lay on the couch once again i became aware of the silence. The same silence that i'd experienced before. I asked the sonographer if  everything was ok - i was panicking - she abruptly told me to give her chance to look properly and called someone else into the room. Mt heart sank. I looked away and stared at the white wall as they did an internal scan - i knew.

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The rest of that day is a blur. 

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Telling the girls is a blur.

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I was numb.

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This birth was by far the most physically and emotionally traumatic of all three losses and something i'm not sure i'll ever share publicly.

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Baby Loss affects so many families - but the support out there is sparse to say the least.

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I needed someone to explain the process to me - in the way that we explain birth 

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I needed someone to hold me and my husband through this - instead we only had each other - two traumatised, grieving people trying to be there for one another 

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I needed someone to honour my babies - they were not 'a loss' or medical matter - they were wanted, they were loved with every part of me

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I needed someone i could talk to without worrying i would upset them

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I needed someone who understood how difficult pregnancy and birth after loss can be

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I needed someone who recognised that this wasn't just a physical loss - this was pain on every level

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It's taken me a long time to feel ready to create this program - i've had to do some really deep grieving and healing before i could even contemplate it- but now is the right time

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This program gives purpose to the pain i experienced 

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It enables me to use my lived experience to make a difference to those walking the same treacherous path

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It honours my five babies - the two i get to hold and the three i hold in my heart forever

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I hated the term 'miscarriage' .. i didn't miss carry my babies - this feels shaming and cold

My babies were born early  ​​​​​​

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